the hero pg

View previous topic View next topic Go down

the hero pg

Post  ali/mew on Mon Sep 03, 2007 12:11 pm

Teri had just woken up to see his mother crying. Apparently his father had been sent to war. Teri felt terrible yet he couldn't help ,but admire his father. Teri wanted to join his dad so he snuck out of home late into the night to find the army. While running he ran into a ninja with a Beedrill (pokemon and naruto will be included). They began a Pokemon battle Teri sent out his Aipom.With a quick swift Teri won and ran trough a dense forest.There into Sakura Haruno.No one except Aipom knew Teri's feelings for Sakura. ''Watch it idiot'', Sakura yelled. Sorry. Where are you going to the army zone to find my dad want to join?''Okay'', replied Sakura

Next: Orichmaro's army and Sakura's Deception please note this story will not be that long but still action packed cheers cheers
So keep reading:study: study study study
avatar
ali/mew
Genin
Genin

Number of posts : 47
Registration date : 2007-09-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: the hero pg

Post  Chidori Master on Mon Sep 03, 2007 1:29 pm

hmmmmmmmmm its ok ill give a 7/10 only because 1. nothings perfect and 2. you need to spread things out take longer time on the battles etc.
avatar
Chidori Master
Genin
Genin

Male Number of posts : 29
Age : 26
Location : you know where, up there, in Canada
Registration date : 2007-08-23

View user profile http://www.monghost.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: the hero pg

Post  Wonderous Uber_Faggot on Mon Sep 03, 2007 6:02 pm

Awful. To short, no description, and just plain boring. Work on your punctuation, capitalization, and depth. 2/10

Wonderous Uber_Faggot
Guardian of Thunder
Guardian of Thunder

Male Number of posts : 78
Age : 23
Location : MN
Registration date : 2007-08-06

View user profile

Back to top Go down

hero

Post  ali/mew on Mon Sep 03, 2007 7:12 pm

Thanks


Teri and Sakura ran for what seemed hours. Both of them were exasted so the took a nap.After a couple of hours they were awoken by a Seedot that was all alone .Teri stood up at his chance and sent out Aipom. After an intense battle of Swift verses growth repedativly Teri sent out a pokeball. After about a minute of bouncing the Pokeball finally caught Seedot.Sakura was amazed as Teri out of love gave her the Seedot to keep.Sakura cried and thanked Teri. I love you They continued the walk through a giant mountain.After hours they finally reached the top of the rugged mountain. They looked to the horizon to see Orochimaro leading a huge army including Teri's dad,they were under a mind control jutsu. Orochimaro spotted them so he teleported them to where he was standing moments ago.Orochimaro said to Sakura '' Join me or your friend will die''.(Falling in the Black by Skillet plays) ''Okay I'll join you just don't kill Teri'',Sakura said. Orochimaro aggreed. ''NO'' , Teri screamed. Soon Sakura's dress turned into and Orocimaro belt. Orichimaro sent a mind control justsu and ordered her to kill Teri.Sakura sent out Seedot folowed by shurikens at Teri. Teri used the Fire Ball Jutsu Sakura taught him and he sent out Aipom.They were both seriously injured, but Teri kept fighting to save Sakura. Keep going as he sent out a clone jutsu of a million Teris.
avatar
ali/mew
Genin
Genin

Number of posts : 47
Registration date : 2007-09-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: the hero pg

Post  Wonderous Uber_Faggot on Sun Sep 09, 2007 7:28 pm

I'm not going to sugar coat it. At all. Not even the slightest bit.

Your writing skills are teh FAIL. They follow absolutely no plot, there is no reason to continue reading, etc.

Your spacing is teh fail as well. My eyes almost started bleeding while I read that.

Wonderous Uber_Faggot
Guardian of Thunder
Guardian of Thunder

Male Number of posts : 78
Age : 23
Location : MN
Registration date : 2007-08-06

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: the hero pg

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum